A Sunday in October

October is such a wonderful month. Two of my children were born in October. I get to travel to FL with my mom in October. The weather is lovely and the leaves are beautiful. But beyond that is the harsh reality that I haven't made anywhere near the dent in the credit card bill I had hoped from the May expenses. I'm already beginning to panic about the holidays. I didn't even begin to get the work done around the house I had hoped I would. And everywhere I look, someone wants more of my money. I can't get my head above water - well, that's not true. There was a brief, as in VERY brief, moment when I pulled money from Peter to pay Paul and it felt good. But my God, what happened since? Looks like the holidays will be one of good old fashioned creative spirit with handmade items and goodies. Boy that bright fall sunshine shows us more than just the streaked windows -- it's making reality a bit too up-close-and-personal.

Where has my life gone?

So I'm cleaning - basement, gardens, boxes, computer and I come across a bookmark to Lauren's blog from 2009 - which led me back to my blog from 2010 - EARLY 2010.

And I think, why did I stop doing this? It was soothing - a place to voice opinions, concerns, frustrations, happiness, blessings -- all without really having to ask for input or feedback. I came across a journal from when Gregg and I were engaged - written the old fashioned way -- and loved reading through what we experienced as we became engaged and planned for a wedding. It was actually quite fun.

I'm feeling a need to get myself organized -- part of me fears that a greater being is driving me to do this knowing that something is coming that will take over my life. I'm trying to organize cabinets, ridding myself of stuff I've held on to for years thinking I should hold on to that stuff. Perhaps a bit of guilt is playing into the "keeping". It was given to me by..... I kind of like it ..... I should keep it because....

As I uncovered scrapbooks and old greeting cards, I realized that some things are good to keep - it was fun to pull out the kids' scrapbooks (one for each kid) with their creative art projects from when they were young. Those were a reduction several years ago from the probably 15 scrapbooks of projects -- what remains is perfect.

When Michael graduated earlier this year, I created a photo book similar to what I had done for Lauren (real scrapbook) and Keith (electronic photo frame), with pics from birth to now. It was wonderful to relive the fun, the craziness, the traditions, the memories.

So, I move forward, sorting and cleaning and repacking and yes, throwing out, "treasures". I realize that most people have no idea what they may have given me in the past so my desire to keep it does not truly lie in the guilt. But it might just be in knowing that a gift from someone dear to my heart represents the fact that we had a connection in our lives. And those connections and memories are what make us who we are today and will be tomorrow.

Why is this so hard?

Why is it that some people take pride in their actions and accomplishments, and work their rear ends off in order to achieve something, while others simply talk themselves out of doing ANYTHING they need to do in order to get a good grade or complete a project UNLESS it fits in with their plans?

Here we are - 2 days into 2010 and I'm already dreading the school scene and the ensuing battles we are sure to partake in as one boy heads into the first college test at the new school and the other begins finals week. I wish I had a crystal ball that would help me figure out what is important enough to them to motivate them to do something - anything - on their own to excel.

I just don't get it. This is so foreign to me that it drives me crazy. Scream or cry - THAT is the question!

New Year - New Enthusiasm

OK, so I have a few times each year that I get rejuvenated and re-energized. One is in the fall when the kids go back to school. I clean and organize -- I used to love getting ready for school.

A second is the first of the year, after all the holiday hustle and bustle and decorations and craziness. When the decorations have started to close in on me, I know it's time to dismantle, clean and clean out. You know it's bad when your daughter comes into the living room minus decor and tree and says, "Wow, this room is huge!" And it's bare. But that's ok for a while because it is clean and uncluttered and it looks easy -- easy to maintain, an easier lifestyle, a focus on what's important.

Which leads me here -- after a very dear family member jolted me with a new year's resolution that I should get back to blogging. My last post was in July after Lauren returned from Scotland. I hadn't really missed this, but now that I'm furiously typing, I think I did.

Back to the focus on what's important. I just opened an email from one of the kids' high school teachers I still keep in touch with and it was the 2010 Handbook. No surprises. No earth shattering thoughts. But it is back to the basics and I loved it.

So I will begin 2010 with sharing a few of the Handbook "entries" each time I write -- I think they are all worthy of some time for processing and digestion, and contemplation. And so, I challenge you all to adopt some of these guidelines to make your new year one of the best.

On Health:

1. Drink plenty of water.

2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a pauper.

3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

Not ground shaking, are they? Simple. Easy to remember. Easy to follow. I'm going to try.

Just a Quick Thought....

...getting away from family, work, phones, laundry is truly wonderful.  Having a change of scenery with some people you don't normally spend lots of time with can be liberating.

But the best part is always coming home.

Tell Me Again....

why I can have so many things to do and so little desire to do them?  Came home today way later than originally planned from work, but that's ok because I did get stuff done.  Had an interesting evening last night with some old friends and the kids, so I think I'm still on overload from that.  But, I have bills to pay, and carpets to vacuum, and paperwork 3 feet high that needs to be looked at.  And Gregg wasn't here so I had NO excuses.  

But alas, once I sit at the computer and click "Bejeweled on Facebook", I become a worthless heap of flesh sitting propped up in the chair in the living room glued to the screen.  But, I was stymied a bit because Bejeweled has become so popular it was crashing their server so it was down for about 3 hours.  OH NO!!!!  So, I actually organized the cords (of which there are about 38 various connections for computers, cameras, power, etc) and the paperwork and discs for the computer that Lauren so graciously handed me when she opted to move the old computer desk out of her room to make more space.  She is SO not happy about being home in the smallest of the bedrooms.  But anyway, I did finally figure out how to order photos from my digital files so I can have the old-fashioned as well as the new-fangled versions of photo memories of Edinburgh and Prague. 

It was an awesome trip, but that is for another blog.  Maybe tomorrow.  AFTER I do some paperwork and pay some bills before they come take my car.

Oh Thank Heavens

Well, 2 weeks have passed and I leave today for Scotland to see Lauren.   It's been an interesting 2 weeks -- one can learn a lot about other humans when you tell them you are taking a trip.... :) 

Anyway, I'm Way Excited for several reasons:

1.  I get about 15 hours all to myself

2.  I get to see Edinburgh again after a previous very brief visit - lovely town and I'll see where Lauren has been sleeping and drinking....

3.  I get to go to Prague -- never one of the top cities on my hit list for no particular reason but now that I've done some reading, I'm way excited to explore

4.  I get to bring Lauren back home so we can all be together for a bit.  

One thing I have learned is that I struggle with my children growing up and them finding me and Gregg less appealing.  We truly didn't experience that very much other than the normal fight for independence that traditionally happens about every 2-3 years from the time they are born.  But when they get to be mid-teens to mid-twenties, you have hopes that they will actually want to spend time with you voluntarily.  I now know that that is quite a dream.  I liked it when we would be together, have a fun meal, kick back, and laugh.  All of us.  Together.  And no one had to go anywhere with someone else.  Or wanted to.  

It saddens me simply because I didn't see it coming and I didn't know it would bother me so much.  Now don't get me wrong.  I Do Not Want Everyone Here All The Time.  And they don't want me with them all the time.  I can accept that.  I simply wish the desire would hit once in a while.  Oh well, some have told me that will change and they will return.  I hope it won't simply be for a bed and full refrigerator.  

But anyways, I get to skip over the pond to the other side of the world for a bit to renew my spirit and perspective.  I'm ready.  Anyone reading this that is still going to be stateside, DO NOT GO TO MY HOUSE WHILE I AM GONE.  I know how the male family members work.  I return on Saturday the 6th -- they will be frantically cleaning up the house on Friday the 5th.  Until that time, heaven only knows what you would find besides a week's worth of doggie bags in the refrigerators and about 50 lbs worth of fur on the furniture.  You would be taking a risk.  Trust me.